The body called it momentous. Hopefully it was just kidding when it said justt let me die already. Yes, the body has it's own blog and sometimes speaks for itself when I remember to let it or when it surprises me like it may be doing right now. I mean, like it said, what with the laziness and the apathy and the procrastination and the depression and the emotional over-eating and the general malaise when it comes to motivation to exercise..."
Picnic!
Wait, that might be a clever or amusing T-Shirt, but it is not exactly what we need right now. Cutting back on the picnics, as in on the eating and especially the emotional eating, is what is needed most for the life to continue longer. What with two laps of a cul-de-sac across from the driveway a few days ago and now, four laps up and down the little hill to the main road and back, I should be happy. The app I downloaded, SportsTracker, did not track distance though it seems to be able to find my location, so I will be looking for another app next time. This body is in pathetic condition. I slow jogged the first, then walked up the hill and slow jogged down for the last three. The times for the four laps were 3:11, 4:30, 4:30, and 4:39 for a total of 16:52. See, the app does not even provide seconds. What runner would use this limited and poorly functioning app?
Quoting the body as it summed this all up:
"So we shall see how this turns out. It will be momentous, no doubt. Either it will kill me or I will quit again or I will be running a 5k some time next year or maybe even this year (slow down, let's just get out there for a third time before and then get to the point where I can actually run a mile without stopping and then we can look further ahead... actually, let's forget the mile for now and get that third slow jog walk in, m'ok?).
I really must succeed cuz I'd hate to die out there on the road all alone."
Road kill can be so messy. Yes, the body has a rather sardonic sense of humor, macabre, even. I suppose it gets it from me (he says as he whistles and glances at the sky). Still, it (this body I inhabit) amazes me each time I drag my mind out of the lazy gutter of self-indulgence (or worse) to do this exercise thing again. It is time to address the failure to communicate be cool, Luke). As Gavin Friday said... If I die, I die. And as John Denver said... I Want to Live. ... Ummmm, Is it irony that Gavin is alive and John is not?
Ok then, lost any audience I might have had on this path (pardon my chuckles if they seem out of place, but I really don't believe anyone is here so I am mocking myself and my imaginary audience and we love it).
Before the body took over, today was an ordinary day. Nothing happened. Except for the emotional roller coaster that staying home in this space can bring on. Wednesdays seem to be the pivotal day. I woke after noon after finally get to bad after sunrise. I spent the day going through some bathroom boxes because last night the dog (we'll call her Bob) scratched the heck out of my foot (luckly she didn't slice through the rather large veins I have on my feet... runners feet, no fat tissue at all... same for the legs... if only the torso followed along, alas) and I want to put together a few good first aid kits cuz the one I had in the car (standard $10-$15 kit) has the paper tape that does not stick at all when it's stored in the trunk of a car. So much for a portable first aid kit when you need it, aye?
Poor Bob is so out of control needy seeking attention and pulled off her leash. Bob lives with Abner and Daisy, the neighbors sharing this house in the front apartment. Curly divided the house into three apartments. A three bedroom out back. A two bedroom out front. And my two rooms on the side. Appparently Bob pulled Abner's mom down to the ground and almost does that with Daisy. There is no meanness in Bob, just out of control neediness that literally lays down wimpering on your feet. I can sense Abner is not happy with the behavior but he does not seem to know how to train a dog and she interferes with conversation so he seems unfriendly because he is so focused on controlling Bob and keeping the her away from people. She just pulls all over the place when he walks out the door with her. Maybe if we get a little friendlier I'll offer some training tips if Abner seems open to learning.
After the minimal unpacking (I never got to putting new kits together... perhaps tomorrow), I played Ruzzle and Words with Friends and Quick Bridge 3.3 and Chess Titans all evening with a little writing thrown in. That's right, no internet, no browsing, no Facebook or anything like it. Just me, alone in this depressing space, brushing off the loneliness by enjoying solitary games. There was a pretty steep wave tonight, almost a tsumani, but I survived. I've had to handle a couple of tsunamis since the move last month and I didn't drown as I floated along aimlessly. The tears are cathartic as long as they don't come around too often. I give kids good lives, that's the saving grace. I know that and must remember that when I feel like life is unfair and nobody really cares and I might as well become worm food.
Then came the slow jog. I almost typed run. For what it's worth, I put on the sneakers and clothes a few hours earlier and opened the door and found it was raining. I was unsure if I should be amused or depressed. At first, I felt like the universe was just waving a big banner with the words JUST GIVE UP on it. I dove back into the games (took the lead in the weekly Ruzzle Tournament) and stopped thinking. Thinking can be dangerous when you don't want to control the thought process. I almost understood what happens to Jackson and others I've known.
I thought about going out in the rain but I wimped out. It's about 65 degrees, I thought. I'd want a steamy hot shower when I get back and that does not exist here. Besides, I don't want to re-bandaged my foot tonight so... yeah, the thought process went something like that with a few why me?s and darker end of days thoughts mulling around somewhere just beneath the surface. So the games saved me once again. Luckily I am easily distracted and even more easily amused.
So that's it. At the moment I am torn between writing, browsing the web, and food. Food would be unwise, but I'd fall asleep much faster. I am not sleepy at all right now as the adrenaline is still flowing through the veins. Perhaps Facebook will bore me to sleep (hopefully it will not depress me as I does sometimes do when it doesn't frustrate and agitate me. Humans are such sad pathetic self-destructive creatures. So ridiculously self-important and egocentric and ready to fight about anything as it they really have any control over anything they fight about.
See, I am already turning myself off Facebook before I even go there. Nobody is here, though, so we shall see. Have we had fun here tonight? I hope so. Sharing myself like this is usually fun for me and I always feel better after all the thoughts and feelings are written out. It gives me a clean slate to work with as I start again. I am recalling one of my earliest responses to the question how old are you?
It is still true, though it is not as clean and simple as it used to be. I drag a lot of baggage around these days. Regrets, I've had a few. Disappointments, oh so many. My faith in the human heart has been tested and consistently finds the caring ends, the love is mostly if not all words. Sleep would once erase all the doubts and fears and hurts, but some days they linger not into waking hours. Luckily, only some days. In fact most days, especially after writing to me heart's content, I am free of doubts and fears and reborn, ready to start again as if yesterday never happened.
Thank goodness all the blogs are here to dump all the depressing crap in, aye? :)
I hope you find smiles in your reading whenever you find this blog and this entry. I hope you find more smiles than frowns everywhere you go in your life. Reach out and say hello, I don't bite hard anymore... just friendly nibbles to tickle and wake us up now and then :)
No comments:
Post a Comment