I am back. Well, not in every way. The body is far from back in shape, but I am much more secure on the field even as I play through pains and the slow-down of aging. Even more important, I am in that good place inside that got me through every challenge I've known in this life (and I've seen more than a few devastasting changes and challenges {like homelessness in Buffalo, NY in January-February with just $4 in my pocket, a T-Shirt, and jeans... among other long sad stories I may tell one day} along the way. Not that a whole lot has changed, in fact tonight could have been a real bummer, but as Harry said so wisely so many years ago (and oh did it carve this truth into my brain), "...the difference is just in how I think and see...". I'll be listening to him the rest of the night as is often the case when he comes to mind, especially when I am close to my core which is a wonderfully better place to be. I miss you Harry.
Meanwhile, I am moving on from the expectation of hope for closeness with Jackson as I did with all the other kids I adopted along the way. With a sigh, I accept she didn't mean it when she said she wanted to stay close and pay me back some of the money I gave her. She is going well not having to pay rent and just paying utilities and her student loans and her car payments and she says she is saving some, which would be a great change. She's doing so well (not paying rent is a huge change for both of us) that she is quitting her second job, which is great as she was burning herself out. It would have been great if she followed through on her words though. Maybe down the road.
Enough hoping people will change. Returning to the comfortable place inside that I learned was my home (one can never actually be homeless when home is inside) as a very young child when even those who were called my parents showed me that self-interest (and in most cases selfishness) rules most human behavior. I'll probably give the next person the same chance I give everyone (I try unconditional trust by default because it is the best relationship possible and I give everyone who comes close the chance to share it until I am shown someone is not actually giving it back). For now, life goes on.
Softball was a challenge tonight because the arm is sore from the bruise it got on Saturday. It is not a pretty site and everyone who was at the tournament who was there tonight asked about it and most actually wanted to see it. People do care. We played the team that won the championship last year and we won 10-7 as time ran out. They were not happy with us, especially not me, and I think we didn't even slap hands in line after the game because they were so upset. They don't like me because they have trouble hitting me and I was on tonight. What they were most upset about was they were taking the field with just under 4 minutes left in the bottom of the sixth and because they didn't hustle out, their pitcher threw the first pitch with 3:10 left. I reminded everyone to take at least one strike because if the pitcher did not throw strikes we could run out the clock. That is part of the game and puts pressure on the pitcher to throw strikes. Just as the games goes to 1 pitch when it is tied after time runs out.
Their pitcher threw at least one ball to every batter and one of our batters got a hit. I got up to bat with 20 seconds left and the first pitch was a ball. The second pitch was a strike and I turned to look at the clock and say it was on 00:00 and pointed to it. The umpire turned around and I said we are home team, that's ball game. He needed reminding and called "ball game." They were so pissed and yelled I wasted time, but I simply pointed to the clock when it hit 00:00. I could have walked slower to the batters box or held my hand up and asked for time out or bent down to tie my shoe or stepped out of the box after the first pitch which all happens routinely during a game, but I knew after the first pitch that he could not pitch two more strikes in the ten seconds left so I used no delay tactics at all. I just had to remind the umpire of the rules. When time expires with the home team batting and leading, the game is over.
After the game I went over to watch Jackson's team play and they played a much better team (a team with most players in a higher division) and they lost 10-7, which is very respectible as that team wins by run rule most of the time. After the game I walked with Jackson to our cars and looked at her new car a bit (it was dark) and cheered her for getting the car she's wanted for many years and we talked a few minutes. It was late and she needs sleep. She gave me a cookie and small bag of pistachio nuts and a book called Positivity that I believe I have (if she only knew me she'd well, she'd know the positivity inside balances the professional risk manager I've been for much of my career but it ust goes to show she never really took the time to get to know me... people can only do what they can do) and a card for my birthday. I put birthdays out of my head as I usually do because they are usually so pretentious or underwhelming or disappointing as this year was and I told her I will give her the card I got her next time I see her. The deflated balloon I bought was in the car but I did not want to push her guilt buttons so I didn't mention the stuff I bought her that was time sensitive). That is when I accepted that I was moving on to my role as more distant sort of parental figure.
I headed home and instead of stopping for food as I do most of the time these days which is foolish financially, I ate a cold cut sandwich and can of spaghetti and meatballs and some macaroni salad and cole slaw (and I discovered that cole slaw and macaroni salad can still be eaten more than 2 weeks past it's "sell by" date even when opened a week before it's "sell by" date if it is kept consistently below 40 degrees), all in all about $1.50 and I drank water. Better choice, though the body still gets cheated out of fresh fruits or veggies. I've survived on worse meals.
Harry knows, a life worth living is seldom easy, but always a joy to behold.
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