Lower Interest

For the moment, perhaps in part related to (causal logic can be so illogical) wandering Facebook and moving from angry to sad after seeing many dozens of articles about humanity, interest in communicating with the human race wanes. It could also be because I am accepting the fact, at least for the moment, that yet another child I cared for and gave all I could to has moved on in her life and in spite of her many reassurances that I matter to her (no less mean a lot to her) and her frequent use of the generational terms for closeness (BFF, bestie, and so on), like all the others I've cared for in the past she has no time for me now (just when I need a friend most, aye?) and even birthdays are not reason enough to make time to stop by or meet for a moment. The birthday balloon and card sit in the car, the cupcake sits in the fridge, and I hope she has a happy birthday.

I did have as good a day as any way these days on my birthday, at least in my head, sort of. Birthdays were always a bit of an enigma for me as I never had a family who did much celebrating of anything and my birthday was just another day except for a few dollars coming my way. The emotion was never there for me from those who were parents (and I had more than two... five, actually... they didn't stick around either). I learned that if I was going to celebrate being born, then I am actually celebrating being alive and it makes no sense to me to celebrate being alive just one day a year when logic suggest that if life is worth celebrating one day it's worth celebrating every day so I came to understand that birthdays are a celebration of being born but not much different than the celebration of being alive which is an every day event.

The bluesy blahsy feeling is more related to the relationships that are false, pretentious, and simply not real in this life that are presented and meaningful and real. It is not easy going from seeing someone every day and believing each is a major part of the other person's life to simply not existing as in moving somewhere else a half hour away and not seeing the person for many weeks in spite of passing where within a few minutes of where they used to live five or more times a week. Yes, I refer to Jackson not finding time to get together for my birthday or for her birthday or for any reason in the first month we've lived apart. Is that what BFFs do these days?

I want more, I even expect more. The disappointment shows on my face. That keeps those who are not living up to their words away. My choice. Still disappointing. Walking away from spilt milk, are we? Gonna stink, but who cares enough to clean it up, aye? I will just let obscurity confuse everything cuz it is easier to let people off the hook that way than trying to change anyone. Love you just the way you are, really. Not so much trust or respect, but all the love in the world cuz that's unconditional. Every one of those I've loved knows they are always welcome back anytime.

There are several people who've lived with me and depended on me when they needed money or emotional support (and said all the right words) and once they moved on they were pretty much gone. That instatiable expectation, I suppose. Unrealistic standards keep me alone. Yet are they unrealistic when I usually meet them without trying? Ah, still, In some cases I stopped reaching out because the only time I heard from them was when they needed more money. Is that going to be the case with Jackson? Still don't think so because she'd rather self-destruct tham ask for help. She said not, but people are always saying they will not do some things and then they go right ahead and do them. The previous supervisor at the previous job is a perfect example of that but such betrayals of promises are just normal for humans in my experience.

Caring only seems to last so long for our species.

Still choose to believe I'm not the only one.

Even when interest wanes.

And blahs become bahs.

Self-pity party?

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

(seriously, hear the words)