Alas, disappointment showered down on me tonight as I saw jackson at the fields and she did not mention the money she said she had for me last week when she did not stay around to say hello so maybe there was no money last week or maybe she spent the money she intended to give me but either way it was a major disappointment because I expected her to have money because she said she had money so fuck the world I want to get off because I am forced to accept people suck and don't keep their word and take whatever they can pretending they might want to repay one day but they don't.
Well, there's some drama for you. Naturally (for me) there is a voice in my head saying don't judge everyone by the few even if everyone I've ever shared life and space (and therefore money) with has taken as much as they could and not given back except for one but she has been out of touch for more than two decades due to my own supidity at the time. So there was one who didn't so don't judge everyone by the everyone but one. I will vent this crappy feeling out and not kill myself with it.
I don't mean an act of actual suicide, I mean giving up on life and letting myself slide on to the street. I've got nobody to take care of to force me to have to go back to the rat race. I've never been compelled to be normal or to conform to the conditions of our society. I am not moved by shame like most people. I really don't care what anyone thinks of me except the few I give respect to and those few are the ones (except that one mentioned earlier) who took advantage and betrayed me more than anyone (cuz those are the ones I gave the chance).
I'd like to keep the car though. I have to figure out how much I have left to pay off on it and figure out how to pay it off and then figure out how to survive on whatever is left or whatever I might be able to earn somehow. I'd like to keep playing softball because it is the only exercise I get and the body will die faster without softball, but softball costs a lot of money. If only (here we go again) I didn't burn through close to $100,000 in the last seven years with Jackson. Or even more up in Toronto before that. I could kill my credit again.
Which thoughts are foolish and which are simply survival... and am I even asking.
I really thought she would not be like everyone else. I really thought she meant it when she said she would start paying me back a few hundred a month. That would pay for the car. That would ease a whole lot of stress. That would restore a little faith in human beings. That would stop the pain of feeling betrayed once again.
I know she's busy so suddenly going from being an important part of her daily life (at least I thought I was... she turned to me for just about everything along the way, especially the major things and there were plenty of major things she needed financially and emotionally) to seeing her maybe once a month for just a few minutes is something I can accept in spite of the bad timing (when I need my best friend the most) and feeling like I never really mattered but was just there to take care of her, a friend (more like a surrogate parent) of convenience. But why say you are going to help me a little financially now that I need it most and then not do it?
This entry needs to fade into the past as quickly as it appeared. That is my protective nature. I don't want Jackson to hurt. I don't want Jackson to look bad or feel bad. She's my little sister. My family. Yet if I don't let this pain out it will eat away at me (it's already keeping me awake too many nights).
In the past I simply let go, gave up on the person who let me down, and moved on alone still with some with hope for finding someone who would not let me down to share life. This time I don't want to go back to the working world again. I don't want to hope for someone who might actually be a friend, not just a fair-weather friend.
Then I stop the pity-party and remember I do have a friend, Curly, who is helping me tremendously by letting me stay in this little unfinished room for free. So it is the letting go and accepting Jackson is a user like all the others that I am struggling with these last few weeks. Did I forget the betrayal at work is likely the reason I am not in any mood to go back to the working world again?
Wah wah wah, I am full of weak wallowing self-pity and stupid human weakness and whatever else... I am tired of the games people play to pretend they are responsible acceptible cultured members of civilized society while they ignore their wasteful ways and pretend the world is not suffering because of their greedy extravagances. Am I doing that?
This might have been profound, if I cared.
Apathy is strong in this one tonight.
The sun will come up tomorrow.
Narf (who remembers narf?).
Narf.
Narf.
Narf.
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