Saturday, May 28, 2016

Night Thoughts

Seems to be the pattern. When I go to bed before midnight I am awake some time between 2 and 3am and the thoughts roll around the head preventing me from getting back to sleep. It mostly happens when I sleep past noon the day before and the body and mind does not need more than the four hour sleep cycle, but the body does need more sleep than I am getting lately and the night thoughts are getting in the way. Thoughts about failures, from thoughts about things I could have done differently to have kept the last job and income to thoughts about the last hand of Bridge I lost that I know I should have won if I did not lose focus. Thoughts about whether I will have to sell the car and what I will do if that happens. Thoughts about jobs and schedules and whether I will have to take a near minimum wage job that forces me to give up most of my softball. Thoughts about how that would devestate me on every level and then, thoughts about death.

I wonder how this happened to me
I've been a good person in this life
always giving more than I can afford
always caring about the other guy first
I mostly did the things I loved to do
I thought that was the way to have a happy life
and I am one of the happiest people I know
so how did I end up alone without a home?

I always put people first
never thought about money or success

When I was at the top of the heap
there were always good people around
I could enjoy blissful sleep
and the world was a happy playground
Now I lay awake at night
staring at the stars
wondering where
all those good people are

I always put people first
never thought about money or success

The lesson to learn may be to save
don't give it all away
Few of us can work till our dying day
and kindness does not pay
The lesson to learn may be to put
yourself first sometimes
unless you're happy with nothing
but the stars and rhymes

Objectively and subjectively, I do not think I am depressed. I am the happiest person I know inside. I am not happy with the world and most other people who are selfish and self-destructive and insensitive and living lives that are destroying this planet. I am not happy with all the dishonesty in this world. In professional and personal life, I want nothing more than to share my joy, to help others be happy, to help others eget what they want. What I find is others don't know what they want and they are afraid to find out. Asking threatens them. Unhappy with that state, they are quick to blame others, especially others who get "too close" (close enough to see through the fake smile they put on to the fear and indecision they do not want to face themselves). So I am over-sensitive because I am aware. So I am intrusive because my awareness shows. So I am useful until my money runs out or until there are no longer ways to avoid the reality of my awareness. It is a very lonely existence while simultaneously being part of everything.

So tonight I stayed in bed for two hours before I finally came here. The body needs more rest, but the mind craves more sharing. I did a laundry load last night, I left that out of the previous entry. I am not sure I mentioned that I moved a few large items in the other room, a large wardrobe and work shelves. I moved them up against the wall so they can be used for storage which opened up some middle space. Unfortunately that took the wall space that the bins were going to fit into, so I must wait until Curly helps me move the freezer before I can do much more in that room. I am still considering moving the wardrobe and shelves into the garage, but I do see the benefit of storage space in the apartment. There is a whole lot more that still needs to go into the garage.

I moved the bookshelf to next to the bed after clearing the stuff that was on it (that's what went into the wardrobe) and the shelves did not fit into the space intended for it so I still need to move the recliner and rearrange some boxes that are behind the recliner. I think I will unpack all of my music and put the CDs on the shelves so I have easy access to more music. Listening to lenka over and over has been my choice and still seems to be the soothing music I want to hear (she lets me roll with the theme of acceptance and optimism and child-like innocence and fun which is the keys to peace at my core, so I keep playing and listening because, for one thing, it helps me feel less alone... someone in this world understands part of me, or so her songs help me believe... that gives me hope that I might still find someone who really gets me and really wants to share life and my perspective and my awareness), but when I am ready to explore other emotions I will want other CDs.

I put clean pillow cases on the pillows too. I sleep with four pillows all around me. One goes between my needs when I sleep on my side. The other two are hugged when I sleep on my side. That keeps my spine better aligned when I sleep on my side. I used to sleep flat on my back almost exclusively until about ten years ago, maybe less. I think living with Jackson lead me to start sleeping on my side as the stressors that keep me awake at night started during those years (partly because of things she did, my inability to earn enough of her trust to really help her stop hurting hurself and partly because I was working a job for 12 years, a job I loved, but working for people who were worse than unappreciative. My direct supervisor, in fact, enjoyed hurting people emotionally and psychologically. Most of his directors did not stay long and the few that did were very weak people willing to accept abuse. Flat on my back increases awareness and there was much I did not want to be constantly aware of in the past decade.

Sleeping alone may have contributed to my side sleeping as well. When I slept with someone else I would usually sleep flat on my back and become their hugged pillow. I seldom moved while sleeping most of this life. I know so much more peace when I am helping someone and sharing life with someone intimately. I can let go of my sense of helplessness as my awareness shows me all the tragedy in this world that i can do nothing about. I can find peace in helping just one person and that is why that work has been my profession throughout this life. As I rose on the professional ladder, I missed the direct care I can provide, but I was happy running an organization that was helping others and I could still interact with people moment to moment to inspire smiles. I miss that most of all and wish the last organization I worked for was not so misrepresented in the interview process and public relations presentation. When they told me they play the same game other places play, that I was not welcome back on campus, not even to visit the people I called family, that was proof that they lied and that hurt a lot. I was fooled again. Still wonder why I believe people at all.

I intend to go play softball with the senior pick-up league in a couple of hours. I guess I could show up early for a change and pitch more during the batting practice. They might appreciate that. Each batter pays a dollar for batting practive and I am not sure if that money goes to the pitchers, but it it does, I'll volunteer to pitch more often. I don't think it does though. I think all of the money they collect goes toward paying for the fields and whatever is collected above that goes into the collector's pocket. Perhaps I am just being cycnical, but I've seen nothing to the contrary out there. The sun should be up soon.

I am not hungry, yet I did not eat much yesterday. Just the meal I described in the previous entry. Maybe 700 calories, if that much. I did more physical activity than the average person my age does in a week, so why am I still bloated and feeling fat and flabby? Still need more consistent and more varied exercise, but I wonder if my internal organs (kidneys especially, maybe liver too and possible heart?) are bloated. The kidneys have water cysts in them that do increase their size, but the Urologist I saw maybe twelve years ago said they are nothing to worry about. The liver was called a fatty liver the last time it was checked, but the doctor was not concerned and just advised me to do my best to keep my wiehgt down. I definitely can do better keeping my weight down. The heart was 100% the last time it was checked. I went for a full stress test about 12 years ago and the Cardiologist told me I was wasting his time because I had the heart of a 30 year old. I am getting much more fatogued much more quickly lately though, which is a sign of congestive heart failure and also a possible side effect of the blood pressure medication. Sigh, sometimes I wish I was blissfully ignorant of medical knowledge like most people. My muscles fatigue easier than ever, another side effect of the medication. Liver and Kidney changes are relatively common side effects too, so I really should go for that blood work up and yet, I have no desire to trust the medical industry with this body, especially since I'd have to trust the free hospitals, and I definitely do not want to hear about any other medications they would most likely want me to start.

I wish it was easier to eat here. I mean, there's no kitchen and the bathroom sink doesn't work for cleaning up anything larger than silverware or a small bowl and it leaks and only has hot water which gets too hot to use too quickly, so I am stuck eating out of cans and meats out of cans are messy. I need to consider bringing foods I want to eat over to Curly's and preparing a week or two's worth of small portions there so I can eat smaller meals more often as one meal a day is not only not healthy, it is not a good way to drop weight even if there are not many calories. That is likely contrinuting to my increasing fatigue. Of course age plays a role as well, but can't do anything about that. :)

I may stop for a protein drink on the way to the fields. No, says the wallet. Yes, says the doctor. Compromise says someone I don't want to deal with. Ah, the voices in my head, how do I count the ways... lol lam.

The anal fissure seems to be getting better, so it appears that I am still able to modify treatments to my limited resources and environment. The shins are almost healed and the skin rash is just about gone. Everything just takes longer without the money for the right treatments, but home remedies have worked for people for a long time so I am figuring that out as I have to. I think the body should feel a lot better if I drop thirty pounds, so maybe I will take that seriously again. Not that anyone around me cares, which is a large part of the obstacle I face. I spend most of my time with obese or at least very overweight people and their eating habits and health habits are not good for me as I too easily adapt to those around me because I want to share experiences with those around me. I don't want to change the currently busy social life I maintain, so I will have to step back and observe their eating more often if I really want to lost weight. Maybe I'll bring carrots. Again, spending money becomes the obstacle. Get a job.

Yeah, I know, that brings us to the summer world series. I would likely not be able to go if I took a new job unless I took a minimum wage job that I would be willing to quite in order to go to the series and then I will still have the stress of no income while mostly likely giving up the most important de-stressors I have, the regular softball playing. Get a part time job, yes, I may need to psychologically and emotionally prepare myself for the bottom rung of the work force once again. I keep hoping Jackson will come through with her promise to start paying me back for all the money I gave her (and she took) over the years (tens of thousands of dollars, if we really add it up) cuz just a few hundred a month would ease my mind about the car payments and let me more easily put off finding an actual job until September, but more, that would restore my faith in her and that might help me restore some faith in people... sigh.

Does anybody remember when my babble was mostly fun and frolic and meandering irreverence and silliness and references to all sorts of odd and wonderful things and people and so on and so forth and scooby dooby do dah day oh... where is that daylight that used to take me home, anyway? Ah, there's the laughter I sought. Inside. Like that scene from Hook when that little lost boy, Pockets, find Peter in his eyes and says "there you are, Peter" and oh, there it is... and maybe someone understands (even though the latter might not get that his or her title would be kinda perfect for my blogging world and style lol cuz he sure is not prolific, but that doesn't mean I can't love him or her). Time is irrelevant in blogs, if you recall. So I sigh and wish someone would find me in here, amidst all these words, and even more, behind the eyes.

Well, I've occupied a couple of hours with this entry. sighing a lot, like when I remembered I could not actually hear the video I went looking for and linked above because the sound is out on this laptop. The battery just recently started not holding a 100% charge too. And it overheats without a constant fan blowing on it from the side as it sits on a tray on my lap. How long will it last and what would I do if it suddenly died, oh, that seems like a scary thought. I've been without a computer before. Maybe about twenty years ago just as the internet was being born. I've been tapping keys for about thirty five years now once I finally got over the challenge of leaving paper and pen behind. I still penned letters to friends, pen pals, through the nineties but the keyboard has been one of my best friends for most of this life. I must keep a few hundred untouchable in case the worst happens with this machine. Just one more stressor to sigh out.

I just went to the bathroom. I glanced up into the mirror and noticed that for the very first time in this life, I have flab under my arms. I've been this weight before, aboug 215, I've been even heavier, but never have I had flab anywhere. I always had tight skin and strong muscle tone under the layer of fat that would form when I gained weight. This is disturbing. This is motivation. Let's see if the impact of the visual I just saw will linger oong enough to motivate me not to eat too much of the fattening snacks there will be at cards tonight. Ten pounds must go in June, no less will be acceptible. Challenge me, dammit. I just did, I think.

I wonder how I've changed over the years other than physically. I wonder how my writing stayles and moods and presentations have changed. My reading of myself is so subjective. A friend I've known online through words and the occasional phone call recently told me that my rhymes feel the same, but my babbles have a very different feel. I must ask her to expound on that. I wish I had writing friends from my early years who saw the changes in me through their own eyes. I wish I could even read the paper books I wrote before I went into this digital world.

Time to go to softball...


No comments: