A huge smile follows the title of this entry as I slept deeply throught the day today. Yes, daytime sleep still seems to be my best sleep and when I accept my nocturnal circadian rhythm the body is most balanced and happy. When I get enough sleep (I still could have fallen back to sleep but wanted to get up and see the storm before it got dark... it is a great loud pounding storm just outside these walls and I love storms, which inspires me to want to hug Stevi Nicks again, but that's another story for another time). The body is so different when I get anough sleep. The insatiable appetite for food and flavors and snacks is subjugated by the physical awareness of the bloat and the belly feels stuffed right now even though I have not eaten in almost twenty four hours. I drink water, take vitamins and the bp pill (I forgot when the last one was taken... I really out to start using that two-a-day week-long pill box again so I don't have to consciously think about or remember when to take the next pill. Maybe I can set up an alarm on my phone the way Curly does. Stupid medical industry making us dependent on life-time pills. There oughta be a law) and here we are. I will shower after I wake a bit more cuz I might do some work around this place first (no outdoor work as it is quite wet out there at the moment and the ground is dirt and mulch so no dragging heavy hand-trucks over it until it dries... you remember the map I drew for you?) :)
As the ponderous details of late might suggest, I am clogged with all sorts of thoughts lately, much more than usual and all sorts (the good, the bad, and the ugly) which is quite not like me or the mind I inhabit. Diet and exercise and sleep play a huge role in that, like up to 99% most of the time, so I really must take those three life necessities seriously again. I have taken big steps in that direction in the past week and with the long deep sleep of the past ten or so hours, I feel wonderful at the moment and the thoughts are almost all smiling (even the stress and sad and lonely thoughts) so the answer, my friends, is obvious (and not just blowing in the wind).
One of the thoughts I realized is that I see why I do not play with the seniors much. Many of them don't try. The sun is too hot for them and they are too old to chase balls or play well. The energy level is so low, I have to work myself apart from them to get my energy level up get a good workout (as you migth have read in my rambles before, I am somewhere beyond empathic when it comes to sensing and absorbing and emulating energy levels that are around me which is great in many ways and not so great in others. I'd hate to think what might happen to this body if I worked a terminal cancer ward, though I have worked trauma and profound disabilities and other in other challenging energy fields most of this life and I am still not dead yet, he says with a smile and a chuckle). I did (raise my energy level and get a reasonable work out... I was exhausted enough when I got to Curly's to fall into a deep nap, after all, but the short sleep night last night and the brutally hot sun in the morning also helped get me that tired). I will do my best to keep playing with the kids for as long as I can though because I play better and feel younger being around younger energy. So far I play much better everywhere else (I hit great during the morning practice and hit terribly during games with the seniors... I think I think too much about the bat {they are always mocking my non-senior bats and telling me I must buy a senior bat so I can hit better} and I don't get to pitch so while I love the opportunity to play other positions, they put me at first base and that is the base I like least and have the least experience playing, but worse, the fields are terrible and the balls take so many inconsistent hops I am very concerned about getting hit in the face/mouth and breaking teeth or my nose or something else so I don't put much effort into getting in front of a ball... I am considering wearing the mask, cup, and so on to play infield because of the inconsistent field... the batter's box is my least favorite because it a sand box and just as I field better with a better surface, I hit much better with a harder flatter surface... yes, excuses, but also very real reasons I prefer not to play on those fields they use).
Well, that was a bit of babble about senior softball, aye?
So what else is new? The loudest heaviest storming seems to have stopped. I would consider going out for a salad in a little while, but that is not in the budget so I will eat low calorie foods from cans when I finally get hungry. Driving to and from Curly's in addition to the softball and other driving I did yesterday was at least $6 more than I would have spent if I stayed home or close to home and driving expenses are not in the budget either. I don't need $200 a month in gas on top of the $400 car payment, $140 storage payment, $150 phone (though I should be getting $100 from Precious and Jane each month... I must remember to remind Precious and see Jane more often... See Jane run... she runs well lol... ah yes, the brain wants to play... too bad nobody is around... maybe I'll explore luminosity a while), a few hundred every few months in car maintenance, not to mention food and and other expenses when zero (as in $0) is coming in.
Stop the financial report now, I don't feel like stressing. I could call Harpo and see what he is doing, but I am not in the mood for his stress and he is a bundle of stress these days. I feel sad for him, but his stress has reached toxic proportions and he refuses to change anything in his life to improve the conditions that lead to his stress (OCD personalities get that way sometimes) so I must limit my interactions with him. If you're out there Harpo, I know you are seriously sensitive and this feels bad to read and you may be crying, but please understand both that I want you to change your life and you can do that... and also I must protect myself from your negative energy spiral these days as I have my own negative energy storms to deal with and contrary to popular adages, misery might like company, but misery plus misery kills people with stress and depression and I don't want either of us to head down that path... I trust you to understand this is honest love and to accept it with the unconditional love that is part of why you are who you are, the wonderful child-man obsessed with doing good and right for everyone).
I wonder if anyone I know reads any of my writings, not less these more in-depth meandering babbles. I especially wonder if anyone I actually see face to face in this life reads any of it. I wish they would for so many reasons (let me count the ways lol)... I want attention and I want to be known intimately and deeply and completely by friends (and the more who do, the more chance they will connect me with a real life the one and that is the primary reason for staying alive for me, in case I have not mentioned that in the last twenty breaths or so (yes, repetitive redundancy once again... it is a habit I love, so apoloigies if it drives you a bit crazy lol lam). I also want feedback on my thoughts and feelings and who I am and who I am becoming (we are always becoming in so many ways, I hope) not just as selfish reflection so I can known myself better, but also so I can know others better (especially those close to me in daily life). Everyone I've every know, more or less, seems afraid of completely open honesty and unconditional trust and honest love and unconditional love and dancing with the devils in the pale moonlight and all the doo dah day (lightening up can dilute a serious moment... hopefully it didn't dilute the point of this paragraph too much, he says with a smile).
I seem to have that phrase he says with a smile on my mind this morning (well, morning for me since I just slept at least ten hours... the time stamp on this entry, which is occasionally accurate, says otherwise... unless you are in Oz, a place I really ought to consider moving to based on the people from there I've known along the way, but that's another story... by Oz, I refer to the lands down under, in case you are not with me on that reference). The song with that phrase in it has nothing to do with the phrase for me at the moment, unless it does (he says with... yeah, you know lol lam laa).
I also want literary interaction (back to why I would love to have more readers, especially people who I see face to face often) for more than one reason. I believe sharing words, writing to each other, gets more honesty out and the more honesty, the happier I am because I believe that is how we become realer and more meaningful and why be alive if not to be as real and meaningful as we can be? Yes, there are other reasons too but I am being distracted by the sitting position so I may get up now to do something else.
So where are all you people I know, anyway? My blog world is linked on Facebook. No time to explore, no doubt. Many people simply do not enjoy reading anymore, alas, especially the younger generation and most of the people I know in life around here are a decade or few younger that I am. Curly is more than twenty years younger, Jackson is twenty years younger, Precious is more than thirty years younger, as is Minnie. My softball friends are mostly twenty and thirty somethings with a few forty and a small handful of fifty-somethings among the many hundreds of people I know through softball. The Commodore (who is Excel's dad) is the only person I hang out with older than I am. So yeah, reading anything longer than a normal Facebook post (which is about the length of a Tweet) or a Tweet is not something our younger generations do much anymore. Unless I just don't know the ones who do.
Of course it could be there is no interest. I get it, I'm not that interesting. :)
Did you realize that whenever I add a smiley face, I am adding he says with a smile and just not typing out those words? Not that I am really a magic man (a-hem), unless of course you come close enough... oh look, a squirrel :)
Ok, so I must lift my butt off this chair now so I shall consider returning later for more babbling (who's running away?) and consider this entry as complete as it is going to get for now.
Are we soup yet? :)
Wish you were here :)
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